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Pink Lemonade

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[27 Feb 2004|08:18pm]
[ mood | wishful ]

So I'm a little pissed. But two can play at that game.

So today.

I went to school, blah, blah, blah. During photo me, georgia and brandy went to georgia's house so she could change...i dunno why she looked cute before, but anyways. Atleast i got out of class for awhile. I worked after school 1-6, that was kinda boring...juana was manager, so yeah.

Then i got picked up, got yelled at (what's new?) I've learned to tune out the yelling...it doesn't really go to my head or heart anymore. It's just kind of background noise. But it really does bug still. So i had to do the dishes for my brother, that kinda sucked cuz i was tired, but owell.

Weirdness, at work, Violeta started talking to me, like we're friends. She appologized too for being such a bitch earlier. She's turned out to be pretty nice, i kinda like her now. Hmm...weird.

Yeah. I'm confused about lots of things. And scared too. I wish that i had a parent that i could trust in to understand me and guide me. I wish i didn't have to hide my life from the parents that i do have so that they could be there for me. And i feel like a bad person. But i know i'm not. It's just...really hard knowing that your own parents dont accept you for who you are. I mean, they lost my trust, respect and love a long time ago, but they're my parents and no matter what i know at least a little part of me will always care what they think of me, and it hurts so bad that they don't want to know who i am. They won't accept me for who i am, instead they try to turn me into someone else, and they say that they love me, but i know they're just saying that to make me feel bad for the things i do, they try to make me feel guilty, but i know i'm not doing anything wrong, THEY ARE, because if they loved ME, they'd let ME be ME and they wouldn't have any problem with it. I just wish i had a parent to guide me instead of to try to live my life for me...because i really need someone there for me to help me. I'm not five anymore, i can't be told what to do...i know the difference between right and wrong, i know what i want to do...but i'm not ready to be on my own yet, i know that, i make a lot of stupid mistakes still...i just need someone there to help me accomplish what i want to accomplish. I just wish i had someone that believed in me.

9 Unheard Screams|Call for help

[21 Feb 2004|10:28pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Sorry i should've posted this earlier, but i'm turning my journal into mainly FRIEND'S ONLY because i don't want certain people reading it...so if you want to be added, just post a comment :o)

23 Unheard Screams|Call for help

From visalia onto fresno, carry on sweet southern comfort carry on [20 Feb 2004|10:37pm]
[ mood | hyper ]

Haha, shweet

So i'm in the shower (yeah just random shower at 3:45 pm) and Lucinda calls...so dripping I answer the phone and cover it in water and shampoo. Very nice.

So yeah, i went into work 5-10

It was sooo sweet.

Krystal was in the break room w/ me and Benjamin calls her and she's all telling me about how he's trying to hook up w/ her so on the phone he's all so you wanna hang out tonite? And i was all tell him that linda says he's a hoe. And she did and he was all quiet. And she's all "busted" And he's all "shit, shh" It was HILARIOUS!

So yeah, then i went and worked w/ Diego a lot.
bad bad bad.

I think someone else likes me too since he's been hitting on me A LOT.

I'm a special order :o)

I got to squirt ketchup and mustard...yeah that rocked! (haha, i'm so easily entertained)

DUUUUUUUUDE so not fair. Alex got to drive Diego's car!!! :( I WANT TO!!!

HE HIT A TRASH CAN!! OWWWWWWW MY EYE!!!!!!!!!!

Um...according to Diego, i'm crazy.
And he kept stealing all my fries.

"can i have those? yes, okay thank you"
"um, is he talking to himself?"
"yes yes i think he is, i mean, i am"
*rolls eyes*

The end since that was about a million inside jokes that NO ONE who reads this will get.
Yes i'm lame.
Me and the leprechaun. (yep, i did the inside joke thing again)

suck it trish.

;-)

(i'm such a freak, me w/ the inside jokes w/ myself since no one else reads this that knows what the fuck i'm talking about!!!)

As far as brandon goes. I miss him more than anything...and i'm very very FRUSTRATED.
:(

NOTE: If anyone loves me, i want a digital camera. *hint hint* graduation is in like 3 months and my birthday is in like 8...AND if you really love me...tomorrow is a holiday too ;-)

Alex: Wow...
Me: What?
Alex: You have gorgeous eyes
Me: thank you
Pauline: Oooh you're hitting on her, i'm gonna tell brandon
Alex: no no no, i just like girls w/ blue eyes
*pauline's eyes are brown so she glares at him*
Alex: uhh but you have pretty eyes too!
*pauline still glares*
Me: yeah, you killed it

(yes that was a random convo from my day.)

4 Unheard Screams|Call for help

[17 Feb 2004|08:23pm]
So i'm thinking i'm back into my usual updating routine.

7th period was interesting. We talked about condoms, religion, dominatrix, and back hair so long you could floss your teeth with it.

Yeah think how all those things go together.

I dunno either.
*shrugs*
2 Unheard Screams|Call for help

[16 Feb 2004|11:19pm]
Yeah, i haven't really been doing real updates the past few days...i just haven't really felt up to it, i'll do one tomorrow...i do actually have a lot to say...about today especially...so yeah, i'll do it tomorrow, but now i'm tired...goodnight <3
Call for help

[16 Feb 2004|09:44pm]
Yeah so fuck all that.
I'm back to where i was.
Call for help

[16 Feb 2004|12:16am]
Ofcourse now i'm over it.
I forgive you, i ALWAYS forgive you...
I ALWAYS FORGIVE EVERYONE.

But i just hate that knowing...
what choice do i have?
8 Unheard Screams|Call for help

There are not words to describe [15 Feb 2004|08:48pm]
exactly how completely let down and deserted i feel right now.

Happy friday the 13th...happy valentine's day...i want my valentine... :( [14 Feb 2004|06:44am]
[ mood | scared ]

I commited two felonies today.
I also broke quite a few other laws and i had the cops in the more than one town after me.

So here's the reason WHY i came to atascadero today and didn't visit anyone! AND for the people who did see me...why i was in my pyjamasCollapse )

10 Unheard Screams|Call for help

Frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn [12 Feb 2004|08:36pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I have so much to write about right now, but i have the world's worst headache, so we'll see what i can do.

First of all right now i feel like crap, my head is aching, and i'm so fucking sick...i keep coughing and sneezing and my nose and throat are all stuffy and bleh...my eyes itch my head is like spinning...i'm so sick feeling right now i'm barely here.

Hunger

Comfort

Hygiene

Energy

Fun

Social

Bladder

Room

Happiness

Reach for the lasers with Antic's Sims-ulator!


I've always wanted one of those things, lol.

Okay. So to tackle today.

Well this morning i woke up in brandon's arms again, that is the best feeling in the world. I've never loved anyone so much. So he left for school and so did i, and that all good stuff.

So school was normal, boring...sucked cuz i was so fucking sick :(

Then after school i came home and ate lunch then me and my mom went to savemart to get food and go to the bank, and we met up w/ brandon there and he hung out w/ me in the grocery store (ooh fun) and then my mom took us both to my school and brandon came in my 7th period. He met brandy and suzie, they thought he was weird...he is lol. We went in the photo room cuz suzie wanted to show me a picture of the guy she's asking to sadie's and brandon was so excited by the darkroom thing. haha.

So then we went back to our class and watched some of finding nemo. We had a sub and she was all pissed cuz everyone left and stuff, she didn't know that's what we were supposed to do in that class.

So after that class was when things got not so good. the plan was brandon was gonna walk to the corner and my mom was gonna take me home and then i'd change and go to work, but just pick up bubba on the way so he'd get a ride to mcdonalds, but when we got home my mom's all you're not driving to work today because yesterday we saw your clock out slip and it's not the time you said, too bad she dug out the one from my break! But yeah, so she drove me to work which sucked cuz i had to strand brandon but he figured it out and walked to mcdonalds and then me and him had a convo over the headsets hehe, it was exciting. I was afraid he'd be mad, but he wasn't cuz he's PERFECT.

So then he got food, and sat there while i worked, i felt bad, but he had nowhere to go. Then i finally got my 30 and i was sitting there w/ him and then kyle came to get him :(

So i went back to working. Work sucked, cuz at first it was cool cuz Perla was manager and she rocks cuz she actually has a brain, so she understands my cheating thing, she wants to do it too, so we were doing that all fine, but then Juana comes in and she doesn't understand my cheating way so she was just being so fucking stupid and bitchy and grrrrrrrrr. And everyone was in a pissy mood today at work, i sware it sucked. And i keep hearing all this crap this girl Mayra says about me behind my back cuz she thinks i keep talking shit about her, but really i never have, i haven't ever liked her, but that doesn't mean i talk shit about her! So i heard she's all threatening me behind my back, so i was being such a bitch to her and she got all upset, it was exciting. I wanted to bang someone in the head with that fucking beeping piece of plastic i had to wear on my head all fucking day when i had the world's worst headache. Yep.

So after work my mom picked me up, i was still all pissed at her, and i said something about someone calling me for brandon and she's all "you don't need to talk to him anymore"

So then i came home and came online, i was trying to eat my double cheeseburger for dinner but i couldn't eat it my head hurt too bad so i had to throw it away and i went and took a shower and now i feel a lil better, but i still feel like SHIT.

So then i started writing this extremely LONG entry, and then bubba calls me and invites me over tonite, so i'm gonna go to kyle's house and spend the night, fun stuff <3 Hehehehe

So yeah, my parents know brandon keeps sneaking over in the middle of the night and they're not too happy, but they still haven't done anything. And i was all sweet, they're not doing anything, but then i thought about it, what can they do? The only priveledge i have right now is the fact that i get to use the car to drive to work...oooh big deal. So they seriously can't do anything. My mom said i can't talk to brandon anymore, well sorta, but like that's gonna stop me! Lol, and if they just beat me up for it i'll just call the cops and they'll let me leave.

But yeah, things suck, but then they're good at the same time.

I'm...disappointed tho. I don't give a fuck about my dad, i haven't for a long time...but my mom....i love her. She isn't the best mom, she really sucks at lots of times, and she doesn't understand very much, but i can tell she tries, and even tho she doesn't do the best thing for me (or my brother and sister) very often, i can tell she THINKS she's doing the right thing and as a person i think she's pretty cool, she has different ideas and priorities than me, but i still like her and respect her opinion (something she should do for me). So yeah, that's my shpeil (i have no clue how to spell that but i love how it sounds) about my mom...but yeah, so i know what i want to do w/ my life now and i'm gonna do it, and i was hoping my mom would realize this and agree to be civil about things so we could remain friends, but she's not going to and i know it's gonna ruin our relationship which really sucks cuz i wanted to maintain a good relationship with her for the rest of my life and it looks like i'm not going to...but there's still time for her to change...
2 Unheard Screams|Call for help

[11 Feb 2004|09:35pm]
[ mood | crushed ]

So today had to be one of the worst days in the history of something.

This morning started out great, since i woke up in brandon's arms. Then he fell back asleep on my shoulder. When someone conks out (like literally passes out haha) on your shoulder and starts snoring and drooling...if you're not grossed out, instead you just laugh and wipe up their drool and kiss them on the forehead, yeah...i think you gotta love them.

So then he went to school, finally, haha he left my house at 8, and he has a pre-first lol, but nooo he slept thru that. So then i went to school at the same time, but i was on time ;-)

School was boring. I felt left out a lot. I was falling asleep in english. I think Laura thinks very little of me.

After school i had to go to work. So i'm on pit, and i have a bloodsugar attack and almost passed out. Yeah, Lucinda didn't take that seriously. Ericka did tho, which was good SOMEONE cared.

Then brandon came in. But i was pissed over a few things he had said the night before and i had written him an angry letter i wasn't planning on giving him, but he read it anyways.

So he was really pissed at me and wouldn't talk to me. So then when i went on my 30 i was looking thru his backpack for a piece of paper to write him a note and i found a poem he wrote about me which basically said he was wrong about me, i'm not perfect for him, and he doesn't love me like he used to.

So yeah, i cried.
La Shaun offered to kick his ass. And trish just told me boys are stupid. All that usual stuff. I didn't want the "usual stuff", we didn't break up, and we weren't going to!

Then i went back to work, and we kinda talked a little. Then when i got off i told him i was waiting for him and giving him a ride home anyways. Then i got up the courage and told him i read the poem and asked if he meant it and he said no.

So he drove us to baskin robbins (i've gotten in the habbit of letting him drive when he's in the car cuz i hate driving w/ him in the car lol, even tho it's my car and he doesn't have his license, so i shouldn't...but yeah, he's a better driver than me, and he had his license for a year and i have had mine like 3 weeks)

So at baskin robbins (kyle's work) we sat in the car and talked for awhile, and everything got better, atleast i think. So then at 9 we went inside and and kyle gave us ice cream, then we came back to my house, but brandon had to leave for a lil bit but he's coming back in like an hour. Or sooner.

But yeah, so then if it can't get any worse i get in a fight w/ kyle. Like right now about something dumb, him not answering his phone at lunch and he said he didn't have his phone but brandon said he was w/ kyle when i called him and kyle just rejected the call. Tho i think we're over that now.

But yeah. This whole senior ditch day drama. Grrrrrrr...now this is gonna start a new fight. Grrrrrrr

I hate not being wanted.
:(

Why do i screw up so fucking much?

6 Unheard Screams|Call for help

[10 Feb 2004|08:24pm]
[ mood | cold ]

I am cold.
I gave myself a headache.
I am tired.
I'm listening to Toby Keith.
He makes me happy.
I've been worrying my parents.
My evil plot to have them let me move out is working...so far.
I'm gonna see my boy tonite.
So i'm a happy girl.

Oooh a very happy camper indeed.
:o)

2 Unheard Screams|Call for help

[10 Feb 2004|02:48pm]
Grrrrrrrrrrr

Brandon was coming to see me and then he got called into work from asap to 8:15

yeah, i dont get to see him today anymore :(


I doubt i'll c him tomorrow either since i work 1-7. I might work w/ him, but whoopie...at work.

:(
Call for help

[10 Feb 2004|01:39pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I hate being sick.
Besides that, school was okay.
During photo georgia took me home to get my project and i had to "break in" haha, that was entertaining (yep my day was boring as you can see...)

I have 7th period today and i'm supposed to see brandon then, so it'll be a lot better <3 He was gonna come over after school but my dad won't let him, so bleh :( We'll find something else to do i suppose.


discover what candy you are @ quiz me


Saturday is valentine's day. I'm still very foggy about what i'm doing friday/saturday/sunday.

I just want to have fun, have the car and mostly have brandon <3
Call for help

[09 Feb 2004|10:28pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

Wish Upon A StarCollapse )

2 Unheard Screams|Call for help

Today was senior ditch day and i'm sick :( [09 Feb 2004|08:29pm]
[ mood | sick ]

So ofcourse i ditched.

So brandon came over to my house at like 8:00 in the morning, so i got up and got ready, and we stayed here haha, cuz we didn't have a car.

So then at 12 he "left" then i left for work a lil later and picked him up around the corner at 7-11 and i had to drive him all the way across town to kyle's house to get his uniform then back to mcdonalds. I let him drive back, lol.

So then we went into mcdonalds and i had to work at 1. If Lucinda doesn't know we're not together now, she's dumb lol. Since we walked in at the same time, we obviously came together, and we were holding hands, when she was standing right there.

I got my 10 while he was on his 30 :o)

He's going to Baskin Robbins now, he SHOULD call me soon...he said prolly. I hope so! I miss him :(

He's coming to my school tomorrow during 7th period (i have 7th tomorrow) and then he's coming over :o)

Yayness! <3 <3 <3

Oooooooooh i was pissed. Kay, so yesterday i was sick, and on my way to work. I was running late, cuz i had wanted to be to work 15 minutes early cuz brandon got off 15 minutes before i started so we could see each other, but i was really sick and we had no medicine so i had to go into longs and buy some medicine before i went to work. Well trista, this girl i've met once who's brandon's friend, was working there and she asked me how brandon was doing and she told me he got kicked out of his house like i wouldn't know. Then later i found out she said i was being a bitch cuz i didn't sound too concerned about him. Well sorry if i'm not shocked to find something out i already knew, and i was sick and in a hurry, and i'm not gonna confide all my inner feelings to some girl i've met once, and didn't really like the first time around. So yeah, that pissed me off cuz she went and told brandon that i was a bad girlfriend, i mean he's not gonna listen to her, but it still bothers me cuz she has no right to judge me on that. Grr.

So yeah, i'm really sick now :(

Call for help

Dear Bubba, [09 Feb 2004|12:01am]
[ mood | lonely ]

Right now i feel very...alone. I feel like crying, but i really don't have a reason. I just miss brandon so much right now, i feel like he's so far away, when really i'm going to see him tomorrow morning and he's just halfway across visalia asleep....but i just feel like he's gone...maybe it's because i realize how much i don't deserve him...especially after what he said last night...he's right, he has done so much for me, but what have i done for him? But really what could i do for him? I'm trying everything i can. But i guess i could be less of a flirt. I always get myself in trouble for that. I have another person at work that likes me. And this time he's a manager. And this time it's worse. Because he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend, he wants me anyways, he tried to kiss me anyways. And i have to work w/ him tomorrow. Right now all i want to do is curl up with brandon and talk and sleep and grrrr....i miss him so much i want to cry right now. Partly because i miss him, partly because i don't think he knows how much i miss him and how much i care and that really hurts. And i know he loves me and cares and everything because of everything he's done for me...but still i don't see how or why. I don't deserve him at all. I deserve exactly what i got tonite, and i deserve this alone feeling. Because i don't deserve brandon. Brandon is the greatest guy i have ever met anywhere, he's better than anyone i could've found in my dreams, and there's no way i deserve to be with him, i'm a fuck up, and i know it, and still i continue to fuck up, and i doubt i'll ever fix that. I just hope that brandon will never leave me, because i'd die without him, and i just hope that i can be good enough for him, and i know that i'll try my very best to be, cuz i really do love him and i'm gonna do everything i can to keep him and to make him happy, i just wish he knew that.

---

On another note, i had to clean the fry hopper out tonite. That was...messy. We found a way to cheat on drive-thru, omg it made it go so fast...my times were down to 161! And i could've gotten it down even more if i had been on pit longer. Hehe, it was exciting lol.

Call for help

*sigh* [08 Feb 2004|10:42am]
[ mood | depressed ]

Life is so frustrating right now.
And very depressing.


I just wish i had control over my own life.
I just wish i could do what i wanted with my money.
I just wish someone would give me a break.
I just wish my dad wouldn't yell at me, then turn around and wonder why i don't love him.
I just wish i could just leave.


And brandon...
I just wish he could see how much i love him and how much i'm trying.
I just wish i could be with him, right now.

4 Unheard Screams|Call for help

See what hurts me the most is you won't admit you were wrong, keep telling yourself you were a mom [07 Feb 2004|08:49pm]
[ mood | worried ]

So today i cried at work. A lot. Because Brandon has nowhere to go, except florida.

But i guess he decided he'd rather camp out on a park bench than go to florida.

So he's a homeless bum floating from friend to friend, hotels when he can afford them, sneaking in my window when he can't, until my parents will let me leave so we can get an apartment.

It's better than him going to florida.

I got off work at 6 and then me and brandon went to baskin robbins where kyle was working and he gave us ice cream (yum!) and then me and brandon went to the mall and walked around and looked around and then kyle came in and i left and came home (brandon's going w/ kyle to his house).

I miss bubba already :(

I'm gonna work hard at this moving out thing. I've never wanted anything more than to move out of my house...if anyone knows me at all they know this, i've cried and fought for it for years and years....


I love brandon anthony landry.

Call for help

Jumped out the window i thot led to ur <3 but out the window there was nothing there 2 break my fall [07 Feb 2004|11:47am]
[ mood | scared ]

So last night me and brandon needed to see each other. But we couldn't go to either of our houses...so we wandered around randomly.

First we kinda got lost. Then we decided to look in the almost finished new houses. We found one we could get in but it wasn't too close to being finished...like it didn't have carpet yet and a few other things like that.

So we went trying to find more. We found some w/ carpet, but we couldn't get in. Then we thought, oooh the models!

So we went to the models. Oh geez, do you know how horrible it is to see heaven thru a piece of glass you can't break?

Those houses were furnished all pretty and they looked so comfortable and warm. And we were stuck outside in the cold.
:(

So then we walked to 7-11 and brandon bought lots of food: a sandwich, bag of sunchips, 2 doughnuts, a king size kit kat, a bag of m&ms and a sprite remix. So we chowed down in the parking lot. Way to be a bum!

Haha, so then we went back to my house and he was so cold i had to let him in (by this time it's like 5) So we came in and cuddled up together in my nice warm bed and fell asleep.

So we woke up at 7:45 and he's all oh great now my mom will know i was gone. So he went home, and she found out *obviously* and so he's gotta move out today instead of tomorrow.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So then this morning he calls me. He has nowhere to go. My poor boy is homeless. :( :( :(

So my mom comes in. And i ask her what to do. She says his dad should help him buy an apartment. And i said well what if i move in w/ him. And she said no, cuz we're not married and we're under 18.

Well I really wish she would agree w/ me and support me cuz i don't want to fight w/ her, but she's not gonna stop me. She's just gonna make it a wee bit difficult.

Call for help

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